Remember The First Day

Grief is a black hole. It swallows all emotion and color and light from the world. It drags your entire universe towards its invisible maw with the promise to crush each atom of your soul from existence. Like cosmic black holes, emotional black holes form when a star dies. At the center of my grief, the singularity of it all, is the day of Eko’s death. I cannot escape it.

My grief is unbounded in the joy it can swallow. It reaches back in time and begins to destroy all the love which came before it. This I cannot abide.

Before I move forward I must look back. I must stand opposed to the gravity of my sorrow. I must hold each treasured memory against grief’s pull to grind it into nothingness. I cannot shoulder this burden alone, so as always, I turn to Eko. Instead of remembering our last day, I remember our first. I hold the memory like I held my puppy – with tenderness and devotion. I hold on to his sweet smell, his soft coat and his wet nose. I cannot feel it today, but oh do I hold on to that memory of pure, uncompromising love.

And so I build my wall. Grief may take me now, but I will not surrender to it a moment of the bliss I lived with Eko.

When next you suffer, grieve. Because you may not know how to get through this day or the next one. I don’t. But also remember the first day. The first kiss, the first smile, the first time life felt so perfect you hesitated to breathe because you might lose the moment.

Remember the spark that set your heart on fire.

Grief steals today, but I will not let it rob me of the love I shared with Eko. I remember the first day. I remember my spark.

75 Comments

I have just returned to your blog after a while away. I was so saddened to learn of Eko’s death. I list my ridgeback Hector in 2010, he was only 3.5yrs old. The grief was overwhelmingly and to be honest I think it was not until the 2.5 yr point that I felt the grief really lift. Your blog was part of my road to recovery in subsequent years. I enjoyed hearing about RKO and seeing him. I was comforted by your blog. I also was inspired when you talked about not waiting for life to be perfect before getting another dog. My dear friend needed her ridgeback looked after, I didn’t hesitate to give him a home. Rafiki was Hectors best friend and when I see familiar behaviors he brings Hector back into my life. He has also brought a joy back that was missing. This dreadful, aching pain that you feel will lessen and change but it will take time. I wish you joy in your journey on with Penny.

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