Remember The First Day

Grief is a black hole. It swallows all emotion and color and light from the world. It drags your entire universe towards its invisible maw with the promise to crush each atom of your soul from existence. Like cosmic black holes, emotional black holes form when a star dies. At the center of my grief, the singularity of it all, is the day of Eko’s death. I cannot escape it.

My grief is unbounded in the joy it can swallow. It reaches back in time and begins to destroy all the love which came before it. This I cannot abide.

Before I move forward I must look back. I must stand opposed to the gravity of my sorrow. I must hold each treasured memory against grief’s pull to grind it into nothingness. I cannot shoulder this burden alone, so as always, I turn to Eko. Instead of remembering our last day, I remember our first. I hold the memory like I held my puppy – with tenderness and devotion. I hold on to his sweet smell, his soft coat and his wet nose. I cannot feel it today, but oh do I hold on to that memory of pure, uncompromising love.

And so I build my wall. Grief may take me now, but I will not surrender to it a moment of the bliss I lived with Eko.

When next you suffer, grieve. Because you may not know how to get through this day or the next one. I don’t. But also remember the first day. The first kiss, the first smile, the first time life felt so perfect you hesitated to breathe because you might lose the moment.

Remember the spark that set your heart on fire.

Grief steals today, but I will not let it rob me of the love I shared with Eko. I remember the first day. I remember my spark.

75 thoughts on “Remember The First Day”

  1. I remember showing my wife your videos while I was trying to break her down into getting our first dog as a couple (specifically a Rhodesian Ridgeback). She eventually gave in…now we have Huntly, and the three of us couldn’t be happier. We’ve never met, but Eko had a direct positive influence on my life, my wife’s, and my dog’s…and in that way, he lives on forever.

  2. Oh Will, this is so beautiful. Thank you. My sweet Callie got her angel wings over a year ago; and while my grief is not as raw, it does still bring tears to my eyes at times. She was my heart dog, as Eko was yours. Love and wags from Shadow and Ducky, love from me. RIP Eli.

  3. I cannot help it. again, and again and again, you bring me to tears. How can it be, the story of a lost pet that I never hugged, rubbed his velvety ears, or had a game of tug-of-war or a stroll on a warm, fragrant evening together makes my heart ache for the three of you. Somehow we your readers feel your pain, wish for the healing to begin and send you strength. Sending doggy kisses from my precious Emily.

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