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Remember The First Day

Grief is a black hole. It swallows all emotion and color and light from the world. It drags your entire universe towards its invisible maw with the promise to crush each atom of your soul from existence. Like cosmic black holes, emotional black holes form when a star dies. At the center of my grief, the singularity of it all, is the day of Eko’s death. I cannot escape it.

My grief is unbounded in the joy it can swallow. It reaches back in time and begins to destroy all the love which came before it. This I cannot abide.

Before I move forward I must look back. I must stand opposed to the gravity of my sorrow. I must hold each treasured memory against grief’s pull to grind it into nothingness. I cannot shoulder this burden alone, so as always, I turn to Eko. Instead of remembering our last day, I remember our first. I hold the memory like I held my puppy – with tenderness and devotion. I hold on to his sweet smell, his soft coat and his wet nose. I cannot feel it today, but oh do I hold on to that memory of pure, uncompromising love.

And so I build my wall. Grief may take me now, but I will not surrender to it a moment of the bliss I lived with Eko.

When next you suffer, grieve. Because you may not know how to get through this day or the next one. I don’t. But also remember the first day. The first kiss, the first smile, the first time life felt so perfect you hesitated to breathe because you might lose the moment.

Remember the spark that set your heart on fire.

Grief steals today, but I will not let it rob me of the love I shared with Eko. I remember the first day. I remember my spark.

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75 thoughts on “Remember The First Day”

  1. Looking back is always really hard, especially when you’re in the raw time just after a bereavement. But after a while looking back is what makes life easier. Thinking of Alfie nicking a chicken from the oven made me sob after his death, now, it makes me laugh again, and feel proud that such a quirky goofy dog shared his life with me. I loved him so, as Eko loved you, and would have wanted you to smile for having known him. Big hugs xx PS He was one cute pup 🙂

  2. I am with vou. Sending love ando comfort. Thanking for sharing Eko with us all.
    Four years ago, your blog helped me deeply when I lost my 12 years old RR Nilo. I knew goodby was dificult and painfull and when reald about Eko, I remember the pain, the emptiness and lhe question ” What I am going to do whitout him?!”
    Now I remember him and I smile looking at the photos ando the vídeos. And I have Mel, my big ridgie girl.
    Througt her eyes I see him and I thank her every good moments of my life. I thank for these special family members ridgies are.
    You’ll rever forget Eko and neither do we. You ‘ll have ” muitas saudades” as we say in portuguese.
    You have two beautifull ladies to love.
    Give Penny a big, big bug.
    Love From Portugal

  3. Just a beautiful post and still having to fight thru some tears that want to fall and always reminds me of the ones we have lost too soon! Still hard to believe that he is gone. Hugs to you, Emily & Penny!

  4. Miles of empty beach and Penny’s running in circles! I love the look on Eko”s face. Yep, she’s mine.
    Those tails look lethal. I don’t know how you resisted just snuggling right in.
    Thanks for this. How are you, Emily and Penny and today?
    Love and more love, Jo, Sam and Dean

  5. I don’t think my Instagram message went through but I just wanted to say that I’m glad you can manage a watery smile today.Those slapping tails and Eko’s airplane ears are so funny.Nikki’s ears do the same thing in the wind and it cracks me up every time.I hope you have a nice weekend plan so you can relax a bit and exhale.

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